Of goodbyes and regrets, falls after summers

I am back in Germany. Everything seems like it was before I went back, except the bus stand which got wrecked by a storm.

Anyway the journey back was eventful. I wouldn't like to write it all though I'm afraid I'll forget it or have a hard time to recall it later, so here's the bullet point.
Went for JPJ's test. Yay, alhamdulillah. yeah, I know it's late but still... a license is a license.
Met with my long-missed biology teacher at Alor Star and took the same flight and she gave me a lift to KL afterwards. She haven't change a bit (in a very good sense!).
Said goodbyes to some friends, though I wished I could see a few others. Other.
AOR-KUL-DXB-FRA: approximately 30 hours

So the goodbye was said again. After lots of them, I seem to appreciate them much often these days because I came to realize that goodbyes are most likely to be the last. Or might as well be treated as the last. One of the goodbyes that I tread particularly with care is with my family, especially my mother. It is a wide accepted fact that mothers are fussy and very likely to 'harass' their children, which grates most of us, right? Especially when you are about to travel for another 24 hours and your mind buzzing with the plannings while your heart is busy yearning and moaning of wishing not to go back. Add to that your mom's scolding, things can get tense.

However this year and these days, I seem to get a good grip of myself, not to boast but to point out to myself that things improved when you do something, insyaAllah. The thing with getting mad when stressed, I experienced it when I was going oversea for the first time, which was with my father. The disagreement was about putting my money in my wallet which my father deemed dangerous, an opinion which I did not share. Needless to say, it was a small thing but like all things you quarrel with family and parents, rarely would it be something 'heavy' such as the NEP, quantum theory, the effects of Arab revolution to the world and whatnot. It is the small thing that grows into problems, and if not dealt, will turn into regret.

I disagreed with my father at that time and my goodbyes then was a bit tarnished with the negative feeling. Later about 6 months later there was a call from my brother saying father was hospitalized. Almost a week later he passed away. My father was those kind of fathers who picked up the phone and say, "Nak cakap dengan mak ka? Sat na," which made the last time I talked to him was at the airport. Quite sad that a dispute about a wallet gave a gloom that day. Kinda like in the drama but that's life. So here's the cliché moral, treat your goodbyes as your last and be nice to your parent(s).


A few months after that a friend of mine also lost her father and recently another friend lost her father too. Both are studying abroad, in Germany. I feel sorry for them but frankly I don't really know how to react to others when someone passed away, especially when it happened thousands miles away. Of course comfort is the keyword but how should it be applied. Should you treat as if there's nothing wrong or should attend to him/her as if they are sick? On the day I got the news, amazingly (I don't know how they heard) some friends wished condolences through SMS, which left me thankful to have close friends but somehow wishing those who barely knew me/acquaintances to not have any news of it. Kinda like wish it to be within close circles. Anyway I went to class that morning as usual but halfway through I felt like standing up and yelling, "My father just passed away and we are at this same shit again?!" Of course that didn't happen but what I am trying to tell is that MY feelings at that time was very conflicting and volatile and although I didn't show it, a bad move or something wrong/remotely inappropriate at that time would affect me greatly. Hence when I heard my friend losing her parent, I would be reminded of my experience and always wonder what would be the best actions. Currently in my limited life experience I would suggest to stay at a safe distance and act cordially, unless you are close to the person. To assume you share their feelings is a bit dangerous, even if you have lost your parents yourselves because death, like many other events in life, affect different people in different ways.
Life's events are like fireworks. Some see the burst, some hate the noise.


In the process of leaving home, I also have to say goodbye to my paternal grandmother who lives next door and usually one of the things she would say is, "tak tau la tahun depan boleh jumpa dak lagi."
Her worries are not unwarranted, as a year is a long time and lots of things could happen. Plus she is of old age. However as Muslims, the fact that death could come at any moment echoes throughout our religion. She have said to me the same thing at every parting for almost four times yet my father who didn't mention anything passed away before his own mother. Of course I didn't say all this; I only asked her to doa that we meet again next year. Point is, treat goodbyes as your last but try not to drill on it.


I hope this post make sense and would in some way help anyone who reads it to make peace with inner self. (Pengaruh tengok 'Kung Fu Panda 2' dalam flight la ni. haha)

Thank you for reading!